Ante-Natal Classes

I'm a cynic when it comes to learning about babies. If you can't read it in a book or google it then it isn't worth knowing.

So when my wife booked us up on an NCT Course ante-natal course for £233, I was a more than a little sceptical. There had been a mix up on bookings, registrations and payment which almost got us a last minute reprieve but the course organiser did well to get that all sorted out and we even got a letter from the CEO. So yesterday we made the snowy journey of just a few miles to the Noke Thistle Hotel in St Albans for the first, couples session of the NCT Course - organised by our Watford Branch of NCT (the accompanying magazine is superbly named 'Watbaby' - get it?).

We were fashionably late but not the last as two further couples came after us. It struck me that we were easily the eldest couple in the room which we expected and I was, by some distance, the oldest person in the room. It wasn't a surprise but it still makes me feel a little funny - I suppose you are looking for a reaction of some sort when people look at you when you are 50. My wife and I are lucky, we look younger than we are - I probably look around 40 on a good day. The other couples were a mixture, two quite young couples and the rest thirty-somethings with one lady there without a partner who we learned had two children via a previous relationship and therefore considered himself 'matriculated' when it came to learning about birth. I think he missed the point as it is a joint discovery as we found.

Obviously, all on the course were new to it and some had read up on the subjects and others hadn't. The range of due-dates were as close as early February to late March so the ladies were reasonably close. We seemed, from a purchasing point of view, the most prepared while some had not visited their maternity ward, sorted an overnight bag or even thought of names. I was immediately encouraged - we were not unusual at being clueless. It struck me pretty early on that it does not matter what age you are when you have your first baby, new parents worry and think about the same things and know as little as each other.

After the introductions, the course-leader, Kim, started on the biology class and it was immediate that none of us had paid attention at school. Graphic drawings of the process of birth were displayed and the men had to put them in order of sequence. To be fair we got it mostly right and I had proudly at least placed the last one in the right place depicting an empty womb although I did get it the wrong way up.

Breaks were mercifully plentiful, in deference to the ladies who need to wee more now, and lunch was taken in the bar-restaurant downstairs which cost around £20 for us both. The morning was all about the birth and the stages of labour - and how partners could help each other to get through the aches and pains of it. It was very informative and practical as we all got to try massage techniques. There was plenty of fun too as witty quips were flying around from the men and Kim was also quite graphic and funny. As the morning went on, I began to like the whole thing more and more.

One thing which made my wife and I feel very knowledgeable was that we discussed birthing centres or hospitals. Because my wife had the big scare on fibroids at 23 weeks we were a 'centre of expertise' on both Watford General maternity Dept and fibroids and that made us have slightly more 'gravitas'. A couple we were paired with were going to visit Watford Hospital in early February and were able to give them plenty of practical advice from how to get there (especially to plan the journey in case of match day at Vicarage Road) and what the birthing ward options were. I felt as if I knew something at last. Later, the girl on her own asked us about fibroids and how to deal with them and I repeated my wife's line of, 'Trust your body' which she was really surprised at as she often thinks I may hear but not listen. The girl seemed reassured and I felt as if I actually had helped although she had probably gone to the loo to scream after.

What I learned in the morning is that labour has three stages, handily called Stage 1, 2 and 3. The first is indicated by short contractions of about 20 seconds each, 20 minutes apart. I handily pointed out that was about an hour episode of something with three advert breaks so TV was a good way to relax. My wife gave me the 'evil look'. At the end of the first stage 'Transition' occurs as the baby's head engages into the pelvic space and the mother may feel very nauseous. Second stage is pretty much it with contractions at 2-5 mins apart and now very debilitating - you need to be at the hospital very soon and fully prepared. Pretty soon you are whisked into the birth room and contractions change to pushes and at some indeterminate time later your baby is born. Third stage involves the ejection of the placenta or 'after-birth'.

In all of this, the body excretes certain substances to help the process. Oxytocin is the one you want, it's a happy one and this helps reduce stress - it's often called the 'hormone of love' and can be produced by cuddling and intimacy so this all helps in the labour process (well not that sort of intimacy, obviously). If you can help your partner ride the pains in whatever way you can from soothing, encouraging, distracting to massaging then more of this substance will be produced and it will help the whole process be smoother and quicker. If stress is promoted, then the body will produce adrenalin which tends to slow things down and make the poor mum-to-be more irritable as well as making labour more prolonged in most cases.

Suitably equipped to deal with labour, we went for lunch. After, we discussed via teams what we thought was important immediately before and after the birth and this was great. We brainstormed the important things to have ready for the new-born, what was less essential and what not to bother with. We talked about how we would feel 5 minutes after the birth and some weeks later. We talked about what we were looking forward to and what we did not look forward to.

What this really got us all doing was thinking and talking about our new world - and I loved it. My wife and I talked for ages after and it really focused all those jumbled up thoughts and fears and got them properly ordered and contained. We felt, for the first time, as if we are going to be parents - really. One discussion point common between men and women was sex after birth. The ladies feared the first time for obvious reasons after trauma in the nether regions while for men it could be that things have been so stretched that penetration could be like 'Lobbing a peanut up Putney High Street' or similar vernacular. The fact that both 'teams' thought of it made it something that could be talked about.

There was plenty of fun - men being men thinking about losing out on golf, the pub, poker games or a social life in general while ladies were more concerned with losing their identity which was more profound. But the general consensus was that what we all looked forward to were deep and meaningful things like responsibility, family, first precious moments, interaction, unconditional love while the negatives were usually superficial, cosmetic and transient.

That was a good eye-opener about the whole thing and it reassured me that even though I was an old dog, I could look forward to learning many new tricks.

There was much more that I have skipped over including illustrations of birth positions and the transition of the baby through the pelvis and how the vestigial tail bone (the coccyx) which has quite an important role in the path of the new-born given it is a structure useless to humans. This led to finding out the optimum position of the child in the womb prior to labour which is obviously facing downwards but on its side with its back outward on the left side of the mums tummy. As the child goes through the pelvis, it rotates clockwise thanks to the action of the uterus muscles so that its face is facing inwards and the baby's tummy passes over the coccyx and this is no problem as it is flexible. If the baby lies on the other side, the clockwise motion in birth means the face points up and the back bone goes over the coccyx making the birth far more difficult. To help this, the mum needs to lie more often on her left side which encourages the baby to lie that way. Oh the things you learn!

There are 3 more classes, one for mums only, and the next full day one is in 2 weeks time for couples. We have homework and have to demonstrate a piece of kit we have bought for the baby. I am looking forward to it and hope the pram arrives in time so I can demonstrate it like a man showing off his Ferrari.

Find out more about NCT classes in your area at their great website at http://www.nctpregnancyandbabycare.com/ - it's a fantastic learning experience and perfect to meet others who are roughly at the same stage as you which are often the first new important friendships new mums make - as well as the dads.

I can't wait for the next day.